May 11
Six years ago on this day
my baby I would see
As he was placed in my arms I knew
With Jesus he would be.
His precious hands his tiny feet
His eyelids closed so tight
Knowing that there would be no day
that he would see the light.
His perfect lips his precious nose
A tiny body wrapped up tight
I hold him close, I kiss his brow
This would be our last night
As mommy and daddy hold you near
Making memories
Until the time, Jesus calls us home
And together we will be.
How do you explain a love
that seems so quick and brief?
It is God's gift I'll cherish near
while many watch in disbelief.
How can you love when he didn't live
A baby you never got to know?
"He is my child from God" I say
and for that His Grace I will show.
Jesus placed him in my womb for a while
the reason I may never understand
But I praise Him for the gift he gave
As He held my Kaleb in His Hands.
Time may pass and days go by
where tears are less and less
But the love I have for my baby boy
is something that doesn't digress
He'd be reading now, writing too
And math, would he be like mom or dad?
Riding a bike, swimming fast
A fun time by all would be had.
But in heaven you play on streets of Gold
with Homer and Bonnie and Mac
And Grandma Nelda I'm sure is sharing with you
all her stories of life way back.
A time will come when Jesus calls us home
A place many of us long for,
That home is where my heart has been
Since that day in 2004.
Forever and for always
my baby you will be
Kaleb, Mommy loves you
For all eternity!
The story of the Mills' Family. Nate and Carol have been married since 1997. Taylor was born in 1998, Drew was born in 2001 and Toby was born in 2005 and joined our family forever in 2007. Here is our journey, where God leads us, we will go. That is my prayer.
Showing posts with label Kaleb. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Kaleb. Show all posts
Sunday, May 9, 2010
Tuesday, March 2, 2010
How Quickly We Forget
So yesterday, I got a call from a co-worker that she was going to be missing work. It seems that her 5 week old Grandson was in pretty serious condition having breathing problems. While she is a nurse, and knows they are doing all they can for him, I could hear the desperation in her voice. I could hear her concern and fear over what could happen and my heart went out for her. I began to pray for this little baby, and the fight ahead of him, and for his family as they patiently wait for his tiny little body to do what it needs to do.
As I was praying, however, I was reminded of how quickly we forget how precious life is. I know Nate and I have been through so many various experiences that you'd think we could never forget this, but we do. We forget that Doctors told me at a young age that it would be difficult to have children. We forget that when I was 17 weeks pregnant with Taylor, I had surgery that included "lifting her from my belly" as they removed a softball sized tumor. We forget that it took over a year and lots of medications for Drew to be in our lives, and somedays we even forget that there is a young woman in Korea that is missing a part of her heart, because we call him our son! These "MIRACLES" are right in front of us, yet we take them for granted.
We, or at least I, continue to mourn the loss of our four babies that are no longer with us, as if we are entitled to have had those children in our lives. We so quickly forget that all children are a Gift From God!! We all, who receive Christ, are God's children (John1:12), and our time on earth is temporary. Yet the life we do have is a gift, and a miracle! I've seen first hand how delicate that life is, how quickly it can be taken away and much of a miracle it is to have!
I pray that if you have young ones in your life, you look at them as the miracle that they are, even when it's past their bedtime and they're getting on your last nerve! Or when they've taken scissors and cut every piece of paper in the room into tiny little pieces of confetti, or when no matter what you do, homework that should take 25 minutes takes 2 hours! We must remind ourselves... "THESE ARE GOD'S BLESSINGS"!
As I was praying, however, I was reminded of how quickly we forget how precious life is. I know Nate and I have been through so many various experiences that you'd think we could never forget this, but we do. We forget that Doctors told me at a young age that it would be difficult to have children. We forget that when I was 17 weeks pregnant with Taylor, I had surgery that included "lifting her from my belly" as they removed a softball sized tumor. We forget that it took over a year and lots of medications for Drew to be in our lives, and somedays we even forget that there is a young woman in Korea that is missing a part of her heart, because we call him our son! These "MIRACLES" are right in front of us, yet we take them for granted.
We, or at least I, continue to mourn the loss of our four babies that are no longer with us, as if we are entitled to have had those children in our lives. We so quickly forget that all children are a Gift From God!! We all, who receive Christ, are God's children (John1:12), and our time on earth is temporary. Yet the life we do have is a gift, and a miracle! I've seen first hand how delicate that life is, how quickly it can be taken away and much of a miracle it is to have!
I pray that if you have young ones in your life, you look at them as the miracle that they are, even when it's past their bedtime and they're getting on your last nerve! Or when they've taken scissors and cut every piece of paper in the room into tiny little pieces of confetti, or when no matter what you do, homework that should take 25 minutes takes 2 hours! We must remind ourselves... "THESE ARE GOD'S BLESSINGS"!
Sunday, May 10, 2009
Happy 5th Birthday Kaleb
Well, Happy Mother's Day to all of you Mom's out there. While I am so blessed to have three beautiful children that I love dearly celebrate with me on Mother's Day, it will never be a joyous Holiday. It was five years ago that I was carrying my precious Kaleb in my womb, knowing that any day, he would be born, and would be the worst day of my life. Yes, I prayed that the doctors were wrong, I wished that he would be born, and have a fighting chance. Babies survive at 24 weeks all the time, right? Well, that wasn't the case for my Kaleb.
So while I celebrate my mom on Mother's Day, and I celebrate my Mother-In-Law on Mother's Day, and I celebrate all my Grandmothers on Mother's Day, I also suffer through this day. Remembering the last moments I had with my baby here on earth. Tomorrow will be 5 years since the day that Kaleb was in my arms. I think that being the milestone birthday that it is is making it much harder this year.
So I will get through the day tomorrow. We will go to the cemetery and release balloons into the sky. Balloons that I know you will see as you celebrate your birthday with Jesus beside you. What more could a mother ask for? To have Jesus at your son's every birthday celebration. I know we all think of eternity, but having lost a child (or four) you tend to look at eternity in a whole new light. Not with fear, but with hope and excitement beyond that of meeting your creator. One of feeling whole again, after years of having part of your heart missing.
Until then, I think of you every day Kaleb. I wonder often "what if" and "what now". But I know one day you will be in my arms again, and my heart will be whole.
God IS Good!
So while I celebrate my mom on Mother's Day, and I celebrate my Mother-In-Law on Mother's Day, and I celebrate all my Grandmothers on Mother's Day, I also suffer through this day. Remembering the last moments I had with my baby here on earth. Tomorrow will be 5 years since the day that Kaleb was in my arms. I think that being the milestone birthday that it is is making it much harder this year.
So I will get through the day tomorrow. We will go to the cemetery and release balloons into the sky. Balloons that I know you will see as you celebrate your birthday with Jesus beside you. What more could a mother ask for? To have Jesus at your son's every birthday celebration. I know we all think of eternity, but having lost a child (or four) you tend to look at eternity in a whole new light. Not with fear, but with hope and excitement beyond that of meeting your creator. One of feeling whole again, after years of having part of your heart missing.
Until then, I think of you every day Kaleb. I wonder often "what if" and "what now". But I know one day you will be in my arms again, and my heart will be whole.
God IS Good!
Wednesday, October 15, 2008
Day of Remembrance
Today is the Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day. It is a day set aside to reflect on and remember our children. I'm sure that everyone has dealt with, or knows someone who has dealt with infant loss or stillbirth. You can check out this website for more details.
I miss my babies. And I think of them often. But I do often think of this picture. Kaleb's life was so important. I wish he were with us, but I think of this image, and know that while a day would have come for us to adopt, Toby would not be in our lives if things had been any different. How can I question that? Kaleb is happy, loved, peaceful and worshiping God in a way I can only imagine. And we have Toby to fill our home with a joy that is beyond words. There is a connection. As much as I don't like to think that Toby would or wouldn't be here... how would things be different... what would Kaleb be like.. I have to think about it and know that God's plan is perfect! In Isaiah, the Lord says "For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways" declares the Lord "As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts.", so I just trust in Him!
So today, think of those that you may know who have walked down this dark road of infant loss or stillbirth and pray for them. I'm sure they could use it!
God is Good!
I miss my babies. And I think of them often. But I do often think of this picture. Kaleb's life was so important. I wish he were with us, but I think of this image, and know that while a day would have come for us to adopt, Toby would not be in our lives if things had been any different. How can I question that? Kaleb is happy, loved, peaceful and worshiping God in a way I can only imagine. And we have Toby to fill our home with a joy that is beyond words. There is a connection. As much as I don't like to think that Toby would or wouldn't be here... how would things be different... what would Kaleb be like.. I have to think about it and know that God's plan is perfect! In Isaiah, the Lord says "For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways" declares the Lord "As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts.", so I just trust in Him!
So today, think of those that you may know who have walked down this dark road of infant loss or stillbirth and pray for them. I'm sure they could use it!
God is Good!
Sunday, May 11, 2008
Happy BIRTHday my sweet Angel
Today is Mother's Day, but it is also Kaleb's 4th BIRTHday. The emotions are undescribable! I have a beautiful new son this year, that God has blessed us with. Yet I continue to mourn on this special day. These past few weeks have been difficult. I'm not sure what the trigger is this year that has made it more difficult than the past few. Several weeks ago, as I was in church, I ran into two families in the same morning that have children that were born the week Kaleb was due. Seeing these "big" kids, heading into their classrooms, so independent and happy, instantly brought tears to my eyes. Now I see these children often in the halls of church, but for some reason this particular day, it was more than I could handle. There is a beautiful song on the radio, "Held", sung by Natalie Grant, that for some reason, I think they are playing every 20 minutes. It seems with every turn Kaleb is there, and I am missing him.
So, with that said, I had a wonderful morning. My family knows the pain in my heart today, and Taylor made me breakfast. It was WONDERFUL. Scrambled eggs and toast. She did such a great job. And I received a beautiful card and necklace. We plan on going to church, then to the cemetery to celebrate Kaleb's BIRTHday. It's a gray day! I know God is sad and carrying my hurt with Him. Then we will have lunch at home and Taylor has a soccer game up by Lake Erie, so that will consume the rest of our day!
I thank God every day for my beautiful healthy children that I have the chance to watch grow up. But that doesn't mean I don't hurt and miss the four that are in heaven, especially Kaleb, whom I was blessed to hold with my own arms. The same arms that ache for him each day, even though he'd be a big boy now!
God is Good
Wednesday, April 30, 2008
A Reflective Day
Well, today has been quiet a reflective day. Today, 4 years ago, I walked into my doctors office hoping to hear my little guys heart beating. I walked out of that office a changed woman. As I think back on the day, the pain is as if it just happened. I can remember every moment of that day, yet it seems dream like (or should I say nightmarish?). But that is not all that is heavy on my heart today!
I have a friend I have known for nearly 15 years that is in the process, with her husband, of adopting their first child. This friend lost her baby almost a year after we lost Kaleb. Well, she has recently been contacted by a birth mother about adopting her baby. There is much more to this story, but I want to get to my point here, without going on about her details.
As I think of this birth mother, who as I type is likely holding her baby and trying to decide what her future holds, I can't help but feel burdened. I look at Toby and the blessing that he is in our lives and I thank God for the woman who was able to look into his beautiful, thoughtful eyes and say to herself "I can not give you what you deserve in life". How heartbreaking! And I feel guilt! Guilt that I can be so excited about her pain. Does that make sense! My life has been blessed beyond my wildest imagination (God has done immeasurably more than I could have asked for or imagined" Eph 3:20). Yet it came at the expense of a young mother, who every day wonders about the boy with the beautiful, thoughtful eyes!
So this is my prayer. This young, teenage birth mother, may she feel God's guidance, strength, peace and comfort in her decision. That she seek His counsel as she makes her final decision. That if she chooses to let her baby go, to these wonderful, loving parents that are praying for a child, that she can hold her head high, knowing that she did it out of love. A love for her child that is so strong that she must say "I can not care for you as you deserve little one, so I will carry the pain, so you don't have to."
I do not know what is going to happen for my dear friend and her husband. But I do know that there are no absolute winners in this situation. No matter what decisions are made, lives will be changed forever. A beautiful baby has been born, and that in and of itself is a miracle! God will work out the rest!
As I prayed for my friend, God brought me to Jeremiah 32:17 ""Ah, Sovereign Lord, you have made the heavens and the earth by your great power and outstretched arm. Nothing is too hard for you."
He has it all planned! God is Good!
I have a friend I have known for nearly 15 years that is in the process, with her husband, of adopting their first child. This friend lost her baby almost a year after we lost Kaleb. Well, she has recently been contacted by a birth mother about adopting her baby. There is much more to this story, but I want to get to my point here, without going on about her details.
As I think of this birth mother, who as I type is likely holding her baby and trying to decide what her future holds, I can't help but feel burdened. I look at Toby and the blessing that he is in our lives and I thank God for the woman who was able to look into his beautiful, thoughtful eyes and say to herself "I can not give you what you deserve in life". How heartbreaking! And I feel guilt! Guilt that I can be so excited about her pain. Does that make sense! My life has been blessed beyond my wildest imagination (God has done immeasurably more than I could have asked for or imagined" Eph 3:20). Yet it came at the expense of a young mother, who every day wonders about the boy with the beautiful, thoughtful eyes!
So this is my prayer. This young, teenage birth mother, may she feel God's guidance, strength, peace and comfort in her decision. That she seek His counsel as she makes her final decision. That if she chooses to let her baby go, to these wonderful, loving parents that are praying for a child, that she can hold her head high, knowing that she did it out of love. A love for her child that is so strong that she must say "I can not care for you as you deserve little one, so I will carry the pain, so you don't have to."
I do not know what is going to happen for my dear friend and her husband. But I do know that there are no absolute winners in this situation. No matter what decisions are made, lives will be changed forever. A beautiful baby has been born, and that in and of itself is a miracle! God will work out the rest!
As I prayed for my friend, God brought me to Jeremiah 32:17 ""Ah, Sovereign Lord, you have made the heavens and the earth by your great power and outstretched arm. Nothing is too hard for you."
He has it all planned! God is Good!
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