What's the Right Thing To Say?

*A continuation on my posts specifically on adoption during Celebrate Adoption Month*

So today I'm at work, the job I've only been at for about 10 weeks, and two teachers come up to me and see the photo on my computer. One says, "So are these your children?" I proudly tell them that yes, those are my children, and I can see them squinting and looking a little closer at the photo. I know what's about to come next, or not. There was some awkward small talk for a few moments. They are beautiful... She looks just like her mom...How old are they... then, the more outgoing of the two bursts out "So, is he adopted?" Just like that. I proudly said yes, he is adopted from South Korea and tell them a little about our story. The second question was the ever popular "So why did you adopt?" To which I responded "It is something I've always known I wanted to do."

I am sure many of you have been out and about, and seen a nice Caucasian family and one glaringly different looking child. Whether that child is Asian, or African, or anything else, I'm sure the family caught your eye. But how did you react? Did you stare, but keep walking by? Did you walk up to them and say "So Where's he/she from?", did you just make small talk and not acknowledge why? I've had it all since Toby's been home.

While I'm not overly sensitive, a word of caution... some people are! Most people are just curious, and that is understood. Just about any family that has adopted would love to share their story. It is special to them, and most adoption families are happy to share, in the hopes that through their story, another child might be adopted.

So, what SHOULD you say? May I suggest a few things.. Always comment on all the children in the family "Your children are all so beautiful". I hear so often people commenting on how beautiful or handsome Toby is while my other children are standing right there. They do not get offended or hurt by it, but it would be nice to have them all acknowledged.

Never assume that adoption is talked about in the home. These days, it is much more common that the children are aware of how they came to be a part of the family, but that is not always the case. Be sensitive to that. Once you've acknowledged that the children are all part of the family, you could ask "And how did your family become complete?"

Another thing that people often say are things like "Is he your real son?", or "Are they real brother and sister?", "Are you his real mother?". These are kinda silly questions if you think about it. Of course he's my real son, he's not imaginary. It is always better to use the terminology "biological".

Some things that should just never be talked about in front of the kids (and in some cases, should just never be talked about, period!) include, "So how much did he cost" or "How much did you have to pay for him?" or any questions having to do with the finances of the adoption. Yes, adoption is expensive! We all know that. And just because a family has adopted doesn't mean they are rich! Another thing not to ask about is the circumstances that led to our children being orphaned in the first place. Each story is different. Each family knows different things about their children's biological parents. And each family wants to share WHAT they want to share, WHEN they want to share it with their children. The children do not need to hear how they were "abandoned" in front of some complete stranger.

If you want to know these things, ask them away from the kids. But don't be offended if the parents say "I don't really feel comfortable sharing that with you." Just imagine if someone came up to you and your family and said "So how much were your medical bills for that one? And what kind of labor did you have with that one?" It would seem a bit weird, wouldn't it? So why is it people think that adoptive parents should be so open with their stories?

All that being said, I am very open and happy to talk about Toby's story. There are some things I will not discuss with strangers, like his Birthfamily situation. I believe that is Toby's story to hear when he can understand, and share if he wishes. That is all he has of his Birthparents, a story, so I want him to be able to treat it as he wishes!

God is Good!