Ahhh... how do you even begin a post like this one! I've been wanting to post about this, but truly have no idea what to say, so I guess I'll just speak from the heart. I am no expert. I have no firsthand knowledge of what it is like to be a birthmom of a child placed for adoption, but I know what it is like to be a birthmom. So that's all this is, from the heart.
A day does not go by that I do not think of Toby's birthmom in some capacity. Whether I see a young pregnant girl at the school I work at, or Toby does something that just completely melts my heart, or Toby does something that is not anything like the rest of our family. All these things make me think of this young 17 year old girl who had to make a very tough decision.
We know very little about Toby's birthmom, so we can not even speculate as to why she chose to give Toby life, through adoption. We know that she was 17, a child herself. And some other things we know about her we will keep for Toby, but nothing dramatic. Nothing shocking. Nothing that would make you say "she's one of those girls, like so many people think. I'm sure she was just your average teenager, that life just happened to. She became pregnant and she knew that she could not be the mother that her child needed.
Often times we stereotype "Birthmoms" as bad people. Not for the choice they made of giving their child to another family (we often praise them for that) but for the choice that got them into that position in the first place.
Let me say that I have seen many teen mothers through my days. Some I went to school with, some that are related, some that are even from our church, and the choices these young girls make are not always the choices I would make, but we need to support them either way. Often times we encourage these young girls to marry. Sometimes that works out just fine and is the right thing to do. I can think of several girls from my high school that that worked for, and they are still happily married. Sometimes we tell them that they'll be fine to raise the child on their own, but we give them no resources or education on what it means to have such a huge responsibility at such a young age, and these girls suffer, as do their children as they go from job to job, or welfare agency to welfare agency. There are some young girls who decide to raise their children on their own, continue to get a decent education and find a good job that will fully support themselves and their child. Then there are those that choose to let go of their babies, and put them up for adoption. To me, this is the ULTIMATE sacrifice.
I know what it is like to birth a child. Words can never explain the feeling of having that new life inside of you. I've said many times that adoption has it's own "high points" that compare very closely to biological children, but the truth is, there is nothing even close to feeling that life inside of you! I can not imagine the pain that these birthmothers must suffer, likely for their entire lives, of letting that child go.
I can only pray, and I do often, that Toby's birthmom, while she has pain, also finds comfort in knowing that he is loved and cared for beyond words! We have sent an update to be placed in Toby's file in Korea, and plan to do so at least once a year, with photos. When Toby is older, we may even begin to include ways in which to contact us. Right now is not the time for that, but in the future, I'm sure it may be a big part of Toby's life, as well as hers, for them to know that they both know and understand the love they have, and will continue to have for each other.
Not sure if any of that made sense.. but it is what was on my heart today. If you are reading this and you've ever walked this road, know that in most cases (I can not, of course, say all) your childs family loves you and admires you, and hopefully they tell your/their child about the amazing woman that you are!
God is Good
The story of the Mills' Family. Nate and Carol have been married since 1997. Taylor was born in 1998, Drew was born in 2001 and Toby was born in 2005 and joined our family forever in 2007. Here is our journey, where God leads us, we will go. That is my prayer.
Showing posts with label Birthmom. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Birthmom. Show all posts
Wednesday, November 19, 2008
Friday, November 7, 2008
What's the Right Thing To Say?
*A continuation on my posts specifically on adoption during Celebrate Adoption Month*
So today I'm at work, the job I've only been at for about 10 weeks, and two teachers come up to me and see the photo on my computer. One says, "So are these your children?" I proudly tell them that yes, those are my children, and I can see them squinting and looking a little closer at the photo. I know what's about to come next, or not. There was some awkward small talk for a few moments. They are beautiful... She looks just like her mom...How old are they... then, the more outgoing of the two bursts out "So, is he adopted?" Just like that. I proudly said yes, he is adopted from South Korea and tell them a little about our story. The second question was the ever popular "So why did you adopt?" To which I responded "It is something I've always known I wanted to do."
I am sure many of you have been out and about, and seen a nice Caucasian family and one glaringly different looking child. Whether that child is Asian, or African, or anything else, I'm sure the family caught your eye. But how did you react? Did you stare, but keep walking by? Did you walk up to them and say "So Where's he/she from?", did you just make small talk and not acknowledge why? I've had it all since Toby's been home.
While I'm not overly sensitive, a word of caution... some people are! Most people are just curious, and that is understood. Just about any family that has adopted would love to share their story. It is special to them, and most adoption families are happy to share, in the hopes that through their story, another child might be adopted.
So, what SHOULD you say? May I suggest a few things.. Always comment on all the children in the family "Your children are all so beautiful". I hear so often people commenting on how beautiful or handsome Toby is while my other children are standing right there. They do not get offended or hurt by it, but it would be nice to have them all acknowledged.
Never assume that adoption is talked about in the home. These days, it is much more common that the children are aware of how they came to be a part of the family, but that is not always the case. Be sensitive to that. Once you've acknowledged that the children are all part of the family, you could ask "And how did your family become complete?"
Another thing that people often say are things like "Is he your real son?", or "Are they real brother and sister?", "Are you his real mother?". These are kinda silly questions if you think about it. Of course he's my real son, he's not imaginary. It is always better to use the terminology "biological".
Some things that should just never be talked about in front of the kids (and in some cases, should just never be talked about, period!) include, "So how much did he cost" or "How much did you have to pay for him?" or any questions having to do with the finances of the adoption. Yes, adoption is expensive! We all know that. And just because a family has adopted doesn't mean they are rich! Another thing not to ask about is the circumstances that led to our children being orphaned in the first place. Each story is different. Each family knows different things about their children's biological parents. And each family wants to share WHAT they want to share, WHEN they want to share it with their children. The children do not need to hear how they were "abandoned" in front of some complete stranger.
If you want to know these things, ask them away from the kids. But don't be offended if the parents say "I don't really feel comfortable sharing that with you." Just imagine if someone came up to you and your family and said "So how much were your medical bills for that one? And what kind of labor did you have with that one?" It would seem a bit weird, wouldn't it? So why is it people think that adoptive parents should be so open with their stories?
All that being said, I am very open and happy to talk about Toby's story. There are some things I will not discuss with strangers, like his Birthfamily situation. I believe that is Toby's story to hear when he can understand, and share if he wishes. That is all he has of his Birthparents, a story, so I want him to be able to treat it as he wishes!
God is Good!
So today I'm at work, the job I've only been at for about 10 weeks, and two teachers come up to me and see the photo on my computer. One says, "So are these your children?" I proudly tell them that yes, those are my children, and I can see them squinting and looking a little closer at the photo. I know what's about to come next, or not. There was some awkward small talk for a few moments. They are beautiful... She looks just like her mom...How old are they... then, the more outgoing of the two bursts out "So, is he adopted?" Just like that. I proudly said yes, he is adopted from South Korea and tell them a little about our story. The second question was the ever popular "So why did you adopt?" To which I responded "It is something I've always known I wanted to do."
I am sure many of you have been out and about, and seen a nice Caucasian family and one glaringly different looking child. Whether that child is Asian, or African, or anything else, I'm sure the family caught your eye. But how did you react? Did you stare, but keep walking by? Did you walk up to them and say "So Where's he/she from?", did you just make small talk and not acknowledge why? I've had it all since Toby's been home.
While I'm not overly sensitive, a word of caution... some people are! Most people are just curious, and that is understood. Just about any family that has adopted would love to share their story. It is special to them, and most adoption families are happy to share, in the hopes that through their story, another child might be adopted.
So, what SHOULD you say? May I suggest a few things.. Always comment on all the children in the family "Your children are all so beautiful". I hear so often people commenting on how beautiful or handsome Toby is while my other children are standing right there. They do not get offended or hurt by it, but it would be nice to have them all acknowledged.
Never assume that adoption is talked about in the home. These days, it is much more common that the children are aware of how they came to be a part of the family, but that is not always the case. Be sensitive to that. Once you've acknowledged that the children are all part of the family, you could ask "And how did your family become complete?"
Another thing that people often say are things like "Is he your real son?", or "Are they real brother and sister?", "Are you his real mother?". These are kinda silly questions if you think about it. Of course he's my real son, he's not imaginary. It is always better to use the terminology "biological".
Some things that should just never be talked about in front of the kids (and in some cases, should just never be talked about, period!) include, "So how much did he cost" or "How much did you have to pay for him?" or any questions having to do with the finances of the adoption. Yes, adoption is expensive! We all know that. And just because a family has adopted doesn't mean they are rich! Another thing not to ask about is the circumstances that led to our children being orphaned in the first place. Each story is different. Each family knows different things about their children's biological parents. And each family wants to share WHAT they want to share, WHEN they want to share it with their children. The children do not need to hear how they were "abandoned" in front of some complete stranger.
If you want to know these things, ask them away from the kids. But don't be offended if the parents say "I don't really feel comfortable sharing that with you." Just imagine if someone came up to you and your family and said "So how much were your medical bills for that one? And what kind of labor did you have with that one?" It would seem a bit weird, wouldn't it? So why is it people think that adoptive parents should be so open with their stories?
All that being said, I am very open and happy to talk about Toby's story. There are some things I will not discuss with strangers, like his Birthfamily situation. I believe that is Toby's story to hear when he can understand, and share if he wishes. That is all he has of his Birthparents, a story, so I want him to be able to treat it as he wishes!
God is Good!
Wednesday, April 30, 2008
A Reflective Day
Well, today has been quiet a reflective day. Today, 4 years ago, I walked into my doctors office hoping to hear my little guys heart beating. I walked out of that office a changed woman. As I think back on the day, the pain is as if it just happened. I can remember every moment of that day, yet it seems dream like (or should I say nightmarish?). But that is not all that is heavy on my heart today!
I have a friend I have known for nearly 15 years that is in the process, with her husband, of adopting their first child. This friend lost her baby almost a year after we lost Kaleb. Well, she has recently been contacted by a birth mother about adopting her baby. There is much more to this story, but I want to get to my point here, without going on about her details.
As I think of this birth mother, who as I type is likely holding her baby and trying to decide what her future holds, I can't help but feel burdened. I look at Toby and the blessing that he is in our lives and I thank God for the woman who was able to look into his beautiful, thoughtful eyes and say to herself "I can not give you what you deserve in life". How heartbreaking! And I feel guilt! Guilt that I can be so excited about her pain. Does that make sense! My life has been blessed beyond my wildest imagination (God has done immeasurably more than I could have asked for or imagined" Eph 3:20). Yet it came at the expense of a young mother, who every day wonders about the boy with the beautiful, thoughtful eyes!
So this is my prayer. This young, teenage birth mother, may she feel God's guidance, strength, peace and comfort in her decision. That she seek His counsel as she makes her final decision. That if she chooses to let her baby go, to these wonderful, loving parents that are praying for a child, that she can hold her head high, knowing that she did it out of love. A love for her child that is so strong that she must say "I can not care for you as you deserve little one, so I will carry the pain, so you don't have to."
I do not know what is going to happen for my dear friend and her husband. But I do know that there are no absolute winners in this situation. No matter what decisions are made, lives will be changed forever. A beautiful baby has been born, and that in and of itself is a miracle! God will work out the rest!
As I prayed for my friend, God brought me to Jeremiah 32:17 ""Ah, Sovereign Lord, you have made the heavens and the earth by your great power and outstretched arm. Nothing is too hard for you."
He has it all planned! God is Good!
I have a friend I have known for nearly 15 years that is in the process, with her husband, of adopting their first child. This friend lost her baby almost a year after we lost Kaleb. Well, she has recently been contacted by a birth mother about adopting her baby. There is much more to this story, but I want to get to my point here, without going on about her details.
As I think of this birth mother, who as I type is likely holding her baby and trying to decide what her future holds, I can't help but feel burdened. I look at Toby and the blessing that he is in our lives and I thank God for the woman who was able to look into his beautiful, thoughtful eyes and say to herself "I can not give you what you deserve in life". How heartbreaking! And I feel guilt! Guilt that I can be so excited about her pain. Does that make sense! My life has been blessed beyond my wildest imagination (God has done immeasurably more than I could have asked for or imagined" Eph 3:20). Yet it came at the expense of a young mother, who every day wonders about the boy with the beautiful, thoughtful eyes!
So this is my prayer. This young, teenage birth mother, may she feel God's guidance, strength, peace and comfort in her decision. That she seek His counsel as she makes her final decision. That if she chooses to let her baby go, to these wonderful, loving parents that are praying for a child, that she can hold her head high, knowing that she did it out of love. A love for her child that is so strong that she must say "I can not care for you as you deserve little one, so I will carry the pain, so you don't have to."
I do not know what is going to happen for my dear friend and her husband. But I do know that there are no absolute winners in this situation. No matter what decisions are made, lives will be changed forever. A beautiful baby has been born, and that in and of itself is a miracle! God will work out the rest!
As I prayed for my friend, God brought me to Jeremiah 32:17 ""Ah, Sovereign Lord, you have made the heavens and the earth by your great power and outstretched arm. Nothing is too hard for you."
He has it all planned! God is Good!
Sunday, April 13, 2008
I am thinking of you...
Our baby boy is going to be three tomorrow! I'm sure your heart is aching as the day nears. He is a beautiful, fun, caring, special little boy.. just like you, I'm sure. Not a day goes by that I don't think of you. That I don't look into his eyes, and know that halfway around the world there is a young girl, you are 20 now, who is missing him very much. I hope that God fills you with peace, knowing that he is loved and cared for to the fullest extent of our hearts. He has brought us so much joy! But knowing the pain you carry is still heartbreaking. I pray for you often and ask God to watch over you, and bless you because of your decision to give our little guy a life, even if it meant loosing part of you in the process. He will always know how much you loved him, and the sacrifice you made.
And to his first "Omma", who cared for him as her own for over 2 years! Your kind, caring, fun loving personality is present in our home every day. Our baby will always carry a part of you. I'm sure that he is who he is, because of the love and care that he received in your home. Words will never be enough to thank you for the sacrifice you made, in loving him with all your heart, then letting him go. He was loved, no doubt, because he can give love so freely. He knows what it means to cuddle, and snuggle, and look into our eyes with such a deep, caring spirit. That is all because he received that from you first. You are a part of our lives, forever. We love you so very much, and pray for you often. That God will allow you to watch him grow and know and see how much he is loved, through our communications.
Three years ago, one mommy gave him life... then his next mommy taught him to love.. and I pray that we can teach him how to love life, and find comfort in the fact that he has lots of people, around the world, that love him!
Happy Birthday Toby! Your life is one that I pray God will bless in many ways, most importantly through the ways you can bless others!
God is Good!
(Birthday pictures will be up tomorrow!)
And to his first "Omma", who cared for him as her own for over 2 years! Your kind, caring, fun loving personality is present in our home every day. Our baby will always carry a part of you. I'm sure that he is who he is, because of the love and care that he received in your home. Words will never be enough to thank you for the sacrifice you made, in loving him with all your heart, then letting him go. He was loved, no doubt, because he can give love so freely. He knows what it means to cuddle, and snuggle, and look into our eyes with such a deep, caring spirit. That is all because he received that from you first. You are a part of our lives, forever. We love you so very much, and pray for you often. That God will allow you to watch him grow and know and see how much he is loved, through our communications.
Three years ago, one mommy gave him life... then his next mommy taught him to love.. and I pray that we can teach him how to love life, and find comfort in the fact that he has lots of people, around the world, that love him!
Happy Birthday Toby! Your life is one that I pray God will bless in many ways, most importantly through the ways you can bless others!
God is Good!
(Birthday pictures will be up tomorrow!)
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