The Birthmom

Ahhh... how do you even begin a post like this one! I've been wanting to post about this, but truly have no idea what to say, so I guess I'll just speak from the heart. I am no expert. I have no firsthand knowledge of what it is like to be a birthmom of a child placed for adoption, but I know what it is like to be a birthmom. So that's all this is, from the heart.

A day does not go by that I do not think of Toby's birthmom in some capacity. Whether I see a young pregnant girl at the school I work at, or Toby does something that just completely melts my heart, or Toby does something that is not anything like the rest of our family. All these things make me think of this young 17 year old girl who had to make a very tough decision.

We know very little about Toby's birthmom, so we can not even speculate as to why she chose to give Toby life, through adoption. We know that she was 17, a child herself. And some other things we know about her we will keep for Toby, but nothing dramatic. Nothing shocking. Nothing that would make you say "she's one of those girls, like so many people think. I'm sure she was just your average teenager, that life just happened to. She became pregnant and she knew that she could not be the mother that her child needed.

Often times we stereotype "Birthmoms" as bad people. Not for the choice they made of giving their child to another family (we often praise them for that) but for the choice that got them into that position in the first place.

Let me say that I have seen many teen mothers through my days. Some I went to school with, some that are related, some that are even from our church, and the choices these young girls make are not always the choices I would make, but we need to support them either way. Often times we encourage these young girls to marry. Sometimes that works out just fine and is the right thing to do. I can think of several girls from my high school that that worked for, and they are still happily married. Sometimes we tell them that they'll be fine to raise the child on their own, but we give them no resources or education on what it means to have such a huge responsibility at such a young age, and these girls suffer, as do their children as they go from job to job, or welfare agency to welfare agency. There are some young girls who decide to raise their children on their own, continue to get a decent education and find a good job that will fully support themselves and their child. Then there are those that choose to let go of their babies, and put them up for adoption. To me, this is the ULTIMATE sacrifice.

I know what it is like to birth a child. Words can never explain the feeling of having that new life inside of you. I've said many times that adoption has it's own "high points" that compare very closely to biological children, but the truth is, there is nothing even close to feeling that life inside of you! I can not imagine the pain that these birthmothers must suffer, likely for their entire lives, of letting that child go.

I can only pray, and I do often, that Toby's birthmom, while she has pain, also finds comfort in knowing that he is loved and cared for beyond words! We have sent an update to be placed in Toby's file in Korea, and plan to do so at least once a year, with photos. When Toby is older, we may even begin to include ways in which to contact us. Right now is not the time for that, but in the future, I'm sure it may be a big part of Toby's life, as well as hers, for them to know that they both know and understand the love they have, and will continue to have for each other.

Not sure if any of that made sense.. but it is what was on my heart today. If you are reading this and you've ever walked this road, know that in most cases (I can not, of course, say all) your childs family loves you and admires you, and hopefully they tell your/their child about the amazing woman that you are!

God is Good